Interview with a (God-complex) Genius
Lelouch vi Britannia/ Lamperouge
Interviewer: Light, the Death Note offered to ease your perpetual boredom, but how does it feel that your use of the Death Note and your saga was, in turn, used to ease Ryuk’s boredom?
Light: And now I’ve lost it. Your dumb interview made me perpetually bored again.
Interviewer: Light, where do you see the place of a Death Note in a paperless future where all writing will be done digitally on computers and tablets? Or perhaps when the rainforests have been depleted and paper is not a readily available resource? Do you see something along the lines of a Digital Death Note being used by Shinigami?
Light: Have you seen Ryuk try to type? You’d swear he only had two fingers, and one of them was up his own butt.
Interviewer: Light, would you say that L was smarter than you and that you were just lucky, or happened to have an information advantage/be one step ahead in order to kill him?
Light: Umm… between you and me, but I think L had a thing for me. He was always looking at me in a weird way, and not the weird way he looks at everyone. And the whole shackling himself to me… I mean—not that there’s anything wrong with that. [being gay, not shackling himself to me; that’s questionable]
Interviewer: Light, were you ever jealous of Ryuk at any point? (He is a literal death god and doesn’t have to deal with the struggle you do to maintain that power)
Light: I envied his powers. But I wasn’t jealous of him. He wasted his potential. And he let me die, the snickering bitch. I hope his next apple is rotten to the core and a colony of worms!
Interviewer: Light, Lelouch: If you could choose any super power, what would it be and why? I mean, you already got superpowers, but you didn’t get to choose.
Light: I wanna fly. Ryuk can fly, but I can’t. People don’t respect me enough, not to mention that I need some substance behind this whole “angel” image I’m trying to promote.
Lelouch: I would choose my same Geass power. It is the power of a king and the power of nobility to be able to command justice.
Interviewer: Lelouch, you make a hobby of playing chess with noblemen. Considering the historical nature of aristocrats, were you ever solicited for… “favors”? Did you ever perform any sexual acts with an aristocrat?
Lelouch: Well, would it count to shove a chess piece… Forget I said that. Move on. Next question.
Interviewer: Lelouch, many view you as a Christ-figure with regards to your sacrificing yourself in the series finale. How do you view this description? How would you describe those actions?
Lelouch: Well, considering I didn’t rise from the dead on the third day after that, I’m a pretty bad Christ figure. “Lelouch of the Resurrection”? Well, those three days sure felt like nine years.
Interviewer: Lelouch, do you think that you and Light could have been friends, even collaborators or partners-in-crime, were you to share a universe?
Lelouch: What was the deal with Light and L? Would I have to be tied up to Light? That seems kind of weird.
Interviewer: Light, some people would say that Lelouch’s Geass power is greater than that of the Death Note. It is partially inclusive of the Death Note’s power, too, since he can simply ask someone to kill themselves. And the extent of request-manipulation powers are much broader than that. However, people would also say that Lelouch’s challenge and situation are greater than yours. How would you respond to this?
Light: He was free to kill in a war zone, a battlefield. There were dead bodies everywhere and no consequences. I was stuck executing people while under 24/7 supervision of the task force and L and Near. Lelouch only had to hide from a blind sister and a couple schoolchildren in that student council. My challenge was the greater.
Interviewer: Would you consider yourself more or less successful at accomplishing your goal?
Light: Lelouch made political change, sure. He made immediate change. But an idea is more powerful. And Kira was a successful idea. Zero was a tool for revenge. Kira was justice. There are plenty of aristocrats and members of the royal family left in Britannia to fill the gaps and the power vacuum and reincorporate corruption. It will be Star Wars all over again as soon as Suzaku dies.
Interviewer: People just aren’t dying enough. What would you do to fix this?
Light: Have you heard of the Death Note? I kinda filled that thing up. And my hand-writing is, like, 10-pt font.
Interviewer: suppose your partner is a total boner who ruined your personal and professional reputation after you tried to ruin their person and professional reputation
Light: L tried. And he failed. [He’s dead now.]
Lelouch: Dammit, have you been talking to Suzaku again? His damn martyr-complex! I told you, it was my idea to sacrifice myself at the end. I ruined my own personal and professional reputation just fine without him, and I never tried to ruin his.
Interviewer: Light, you said that half of Lelouch’s supporters, as Zero, are “deplorable.” Criminal, terrorists, murderers, adulterers, racists, and xenophobes. You later said that you regretted saying “half.” You didn’t express regret for using the term “deplorable.” To Raye Penbar’s [ghost’s] question, how do you intend to unite a world [and convince them of your justice] if you’ve just written off tens of [thousands] of Japanese and Britannian citizens?
Light: They are deplorable, people I would have locked up and executed. People that I will have put in jail when I am in charge. Terrorists like Lelouch’s, or Zero’s, supporters are threatening the safety and security of the everyday citizens that they claim to fight for.
Interviewer: Light, what is your favorite type apple?
Light: I don’t like apples. But if you must know, I dislike Red Delicious the most. They were Ryuk’s favorite. And they’re mealy.
Interviewer: Lelouch, in a reality where The Matrix is real, or some virtual reality has become widespread and indistinguishable from the real world, what is the role of justice, and what are your roles?
Lelouch: The robots are bigger. Like, in a way that’s not mass producible or structurally feasible in the real world. That’s pretty much the only difference I see.
Interviewer: Light, same question.
Light: Does this mean I have to bother learning Java or C++? That’s a waste of my time.
Interviewer: No, you will not be required to learn either.
Light: Well, as a wise man once said, “If you die in the game, you die in the real world.” It’s all the same.
Interviewer: Which do you believe is the sexiest candidate running for office?
Lelouch: Curves by Clamp. It’s Yours Truly.
Light: Probably Lelouch. I can’t beat Curves by Clamp. But I’m obviously the more charismatic one. Women are slave to my charm. And men, I guess. Well, L for one. And I think Matsuda was struggling to hide feelings to me, too. (sexy wink, the interviewer feels movement.)
[references] – many of these interview/ debate questions were derived or borrowed from
- 2016 US Presidential debate questions
- Dustin Sinawa from The Dick Show Dick-Asterios debate on the presidential candidates.